Future.

There are so many things that seem to be always before us in life. If it's not one thing, it's another. And if there is nothing it lasts for a split second. We always think that the "grass is greener" but honestly, its usually dry and yellowing just like our side. Why do we compare and think that others have it better than the lot that God has placed before us? Often times our vocabulary is filled with "if onlys".... which only lead to envy and selfishness

As I think about my future as I await its speedy arrival I become overwhelmed with the endless possibilties that lay before me. "What if that..." and "what if this...." I mean I rarely sit and bask in the peace that my King brings because I find a strange comfort in my anxiety. It's as if my comfort in my anxiety brings me a false sense of peace because it shows that I am being productive and not lazy. I must relax knowing that I am being productive in seeking God in the opportunities that lay before me for my future.

But goodness, I just wanna know. My God is so good to me. He is so patient with my continual distrust in His perfect plan for my life. He has me. He is mine and I am His. Ahhhhhh. Reminders are necessary of the Truth when I am bumbared by uncertainty and opinion. He is the Rock in which I stand.

Thinking

Wow its the the middle of the week and I've made it through most of my classes my last first week of school. Life changes so much and there are so many new choices and decisions to make that will affect the rest of your life. It seems a bit overwhelming at times with the things thrown at you every moment of your life and temptations that leave you yearnin for God to save you.

I find myself pretty much going through every emotion throughout my day. With classes that are tough and subject matters that dig deep into your soul and make one sit and ponder theological issues that cause deep thinking and meditation. I've always known I like to day dream. Sometimes at the most inopportune times (or most opportune when it comes to boring class lectures), but regardless there are moments in my day when I gotta just think. Think about all sorts of questions, doubts, fears and anxieties.

It is just so wonderful to serve a God who has perfect timing and love that abounds that calms fears and replaces them with rest and hope for the future.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Who I wanna be, what I want to be defined by, and how radical I want to be in my faith. These questions seem to almost marinate in my heart throughout these last couple of days and I guess months. What am I living for? Am I striving to be holy as Christ is? How am I contributing to society as a light in a dark place?

These questions loom as I investigate my life and search for the truth in a world covered in lies of one's identity and potential. Let's break free and search for Truth in Christ, for one can never be too hasty in such matters.

Who will get a rose?

I rarely watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette but when I do, I admit it sucks me in. Ashamedly, I do enjoy this show once and a while. I think it is the sheer fascination of how desperate these women on The Bachelor are to get married and find the love of their life. I mean, they are aging quickly at the graying age of 25 so shoot, they better hurry up before they become ancient!

I find myself under my breath hoping that the bachelor, Jake, would pick this or that girl because I feel like they are "great" or at least the few minutes that I can grasp who they are, because that's where truth is right? Wrong. This show just makes me laugh, yet it is so intriguing to witness the stampede of women fighting for the affection of Jake whom they barely know. Now don't get me wrong, Jake is a very attractive guy who has a career and seems pretty nice, but how do any of these women truly know him and feel special when he is dating 25 of them at the same time? Strange, but I think at the core this show just displays almost ridiculous lengths men and women go to find "the one."

I think this show teaches me a lot, well ok it might make me a bit dumber but haha there is nothing else on TV, right?

I don't have to wait six months...

We all yearn to be loved. All of us desire, at our core to be loved. We search for it in many ways, ways that leave us wanting, ways that fall short, and ways that are easy. We hear it in songs, we sign off letters with it, we dream of it, and we even search websites to find just the one who will bring it to us.

This is something that is so interesting to me. We as humans are so intrigued with love, we are obsessed with it. So much so we'll go to great lengths to search high and low for it. Love.

What is so incredible to me is that the perfectess, (forgive my making up words, but I just don't have the proper wording to emphasize this kind of love)most rightess kind of love is only found in Christ. God's ultimate display of perfect love shown on the cross through the death of his Son to the Resurrection from the dead. It's what we all search for. What we all need.

I remember this semester it just struck me how amazingly awesome God's love is I guess in a very real way. God's love is flawless, just right, unending. We seek this love, unknowingly most of the time in members of the opposite sex that we depend on to give us this perfect love that will meet our every need. You know, the kind of love that leaves you satisfied and left feeling fully known and yet still loved, flaws and all?

But when we begin to do that we trip, so to say on the falleness of humans that we put our dependency on and not on our heavenly father. I mean think about it in a very applicable way...God is not so petty that we have to wait six months to tell him we love him like how we put limits on dating relationships to confess. We don't have to check on his phone to see if he's gettin with someone else. We don't have to wait, we can love reckless abandon our Savior, with all that we are. And you know what's even cooler.... He has loved us first, always, forever, without shame, without regret.

Love. We fantisize about it, we try to fill it with numerous things that leave us more empty. But to sit and be still in the fullness of God's love, wow it leave one speechless and filled with joy.

In the Bible it says that love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, and it continues on to describe it. So if that is love and God is love, then He is all these things! Wait, so if I'm supposed to love God and love one another, then I must also be these things too. So I tried to read this passage and check up on how I love, and I realized that I am rarely patient, and that's just the first descriptor. I can't love right, but I know someone who does. He is my God and I can rest in His grace to help me love him and others.

Kids.

I work at the Boys and Girls Club currently and it is a great job. A rewarding job. A hard one. I love love love working with kids, they are so precious and it teaches me to be a better future mother someday. I mean they are great kids but they are a lot of work.

It breaks my heart when the majority of kids' parents are divorce. To see five and six year olds just sad about their parents not being together anymore breaks my heart and its more common that not amongst the kids. All the more reason to love them and care for them, I feel. It's funny that you end up spending more time with the kids then maybe they do with their parents. They know when your not feeling quite right or when you are crazy tired. They are so honest and I admire that about them. I wish I was more like them in so many ways. I thank God for the years of wisdom that I have on these kids, but I see the importance of what Jesus said about us coming to Him with the trust and reliance of a child. Seeing kids love hard and trusting so much to the point where it could be dangerous. Now they need to be taught boundaries in trusting strangers and those that could cause harm to them, but they know how to trust and be dependent.

But I want my life to be like a child as in a reflection of how I trust God. I was listening to a sermon the other day and I was convicted and challenged as the pastor's words came through my headphones as he asked me if I trust God so much for my life and all that's in it that I am a child doing what I should do knowing that my heavenly Father is taking care of me just like a parent takes care of their child to the point where the child plays, care-free. Do I? ..... mmmm.... I can't say that I do.

I want to. It's just so hard. When the temptation to hang on to my worry and my fear of what's in the future becomes more comfortable then trusting God for uncertainty in my life, that is when I feel even more lost and confused. See these kids teach me to be more Christ-like. They teach me kindness. They teach me silliness. I admire their playfulness. They teach me how wretched I can be with my sour attitude and disobedience. Sometimes I'm so shocked by their quick disobedience after I have just told them to sit still and stop talking. What do they do after I tell them that? Yep you guessed it... they move around and talk. I get so frustrated. But wait, I do that. I disobey God all the time. Yet he still loves me more than I could ever comprehend. I am loved by an amazing God.

I hope I can strive to be more like a child in my dependency on God and trust in Him.

Children, they are great.

I had three minor heart attacks today.

Well today was great...it started off with a great word at church and an ending prayer that cheered on the Cardinals as if they were part of the trinity. We all laughed but secretly we knew that "oh man the Cardinals better win big today."

So my day started off just right.

My dad, of course, didn't fail to purchase all the goodies that he could at Trader Joe's because shoot this was a big deal and you know what goes well with big deals.... FOOD. Or at least that's how we do it in our family. We eat. My sisters and I joke about how growing up our family would spend most of our food bill weekly on cheese. We know our food pretty well, so we know when the words come from my father's mouth "no good. take it back" we know that the makers of that item have the problem, not us.

Prior to the game my sisters and I spent some time with my Nana and we listened to her tell us how we needed to put socks on because our feet were too cold, so I grabbed some old Christmas socks that I got when I was 12 and put them on to appease her, and she was right, my feet were pretty cold. Time with Nana was great and she even got into the game too! Sometimes the noises from the television bother her but man she was at the dinner table making all kinds of animal noises recalling the times she spent on the farm "back in them thar days," as she explains it. She's never fails to express her excellencies at chinning as a child, how a girl poisoned her with some chocolate before a race, and how she's very much Scottish. She tries and speaks in Japanese, but na it needs some practice.

I love my family. We're a whole lot of everything, but I love us.

The game commenced with the kick off as my dad is blaring not only both TVs in our house but the radio at the same time, just enough so we are teased by the 3second delay of the television.

The game was wild. I thought we had it because in the beginning we got momentum with multiple touchdowns leaving Greenbay itching for retaliation and an ego that was a bit walked on. But they crept up and tied our precious lead. We went for the field goal (ha I almost thought it was gold) with a few seconds left in the game to win, but the ball went far too left.

My heart sank and I was sad, I felt like I was talkin in class and my 3rd grade teacher yelled at me for being too loud. "But I'm a good kid, I really am," I'd reply.

Sorry I digress.

But it was overtime and Greenbay won the coin toss. That was it. I thought it was over. I mean I was sooo pumped for this game with my emotions all involved and then a car ran over my heart and left it stuck under it's tire.

By this time I had already started talking myself through this possible, almost tangible loss, by listing off all that I still had if this close reality were to actually, and probably occur. I mean I still had my salvation, I still have a bright future ahead of me, I have a great family and food to eat. I was going to be ok.

No soon that I calmed myself with these blessings did I spy with my little eyes some thing that is a ...... fumble by Greenbay? WHAT? YES. A fumble by Greenbay led to an interception by the Cardinals and touchdown to win the game! The room fell silent for a second and the cheering filled the room like the sound of thunder during a storm. For, what seemed like an eternity were cheers like "THATS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT," "WOOOOO," and the ever popular "SON OF A GUN" followed by a "MIDA NO MAS" coupled with a "WASHALO" (who knows how that's actually spelled).

But we did it. The underdogs won. My underdogs won. Bring it Saints. Hey and while ur at it, bring em all.... Peter, Paul, and shoot... even Mary. lol

My first entry!

Hey this is my first entry on my blog.... weird!
I have decided to do this in order for my thoughts and life to be seen by others that are close to me. I know I'll have a blast doing this but I must remember to keep it up to date so that way the info is right on time with what's up in my life. I'd love to document my last semester in college as well as my life into adulthood... even weirder!

Keep reading, this is gonna be great.